Today...

Well, where to begin? I can't say that I've been big my whole life. I was a "normal" weight until I was 8. And I was a pretty healthy weight Freshman-Junior year. I'm not even "big" now, I guess. I'm just a lot bigger than I would personally care to be. I am currently hovering around the heaviest weight that I have ever been, which is right at 240. There it is in big, bold print... blah. I hate to admit that I'm that big, but there is no point in lying or dancing around it. Well, maybe if I danced around it, it'd get lower lol. We'll see.


What really gets me is the fact that I was lighter less than a year ago. I was 218 in January, which is when I started working out and going to the gym regularly. It's also when I started taking the pill, so I figured my weight would go up a little and then it would come back down when I started working out. Nope! I went up to 230 and holding in March... but I was stressed and blah blah blah. In April I went on a diet and got sick (not related) and went back down to 214. Yay! But as soon as I got healthy the weight came back. Over the summer I got lazy about working out and I've never been one to eat well consistantly, so 238 before I could turn around good. It fluctuates between 235 and 239, but that's where it stays. I was 229 about a week ago, but somehow it's come back again. :-/ I don't really understand because my eating habits haven't changed that much in the past few months.

I hate being this big. Again, I know I could be a lot bigger, but sometimes I look at myself and I'm just absolutely disgusted. It's not like I'm disgusted with other big people, I just think I look gross. I'm very blessed to have a boyfriend who things I'm beautiful however much I weigh. Yes, he's the one that got me into going to the gym, but that wasn't his intention. I had been considering it for a while before we ever started dating, and going with him was a push in the right direction. Sure, I did it because so he and I would have a way to spend time together, but I did it for me too. Anyway, Greg just wants me to be healthy and happy, which I love about him. But sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thing "how in the world does he find that attractive?" I don't ever doubt him... I just question his sanity.

But I am trying. I really am. But it seems like everytime I make a little headway, something comes along that knocks me off track. I was doing great with my cardio and I got brochitis. When I got over that, I hurt my knee. I'm not trying to make excuses. I still could have worked out. I still did my sessions with Carol with a hurt knee, even with bronchitis before I was diagnosed... I definitely should have been eating better. I know I need to work on it. Knowing is half the battle, isn't it?

So today, I did good. Well, I did ok I suppose. Greg gave me WiiFit Plus for our anniversary, so I was playing that earlier. I did about 30 minutes I think. I also hauled 7 huge boxes of tshirts around. I didn't eat all that well today. I really do need to work on that. I don't necessarily eat horribly, but I do know I should eat BETTER. If I am not going to work on my eating habits, then I need to get to the gym more. Its one or the other, preferably both.

Tomorrow, I will start again. Tomorrow, I hope to do well. I am going to a Pilates class with Denise. Hopefully, going with her will help me stay motivated. I was doing my best at the gym when I was going with someone. And going with Greg is one thing, but he's always one extreme or the other. He's either too easy on me, or he's way too pushy and makes me feel awkward and inept. Of course he doesn't mean to, but there you have it. So I hope that Denise will give me the push I need. I want and need to do this for myself, but I need help. That's why I pay Carol (a lot of money) to help me. And she does, but it takes a village... It shouldn't, but it will. Maybe once I get started, I can keep myself motivated by my results. Here's hoping.